Dreamland
by fadingvoice
Summary: The sequal to Dreamland, what happens when she gets out of rehab.
1. An Unwelcomed Visitor

"Hey, Caitlin, how are you?". Cass stood over me, waiting for me to answer. I had just woken up, and already my fears had been realized. There hovered the one person, the only one, who I couldn't say anything to. I stared at her blankly, as if I didn't remember her. Her eyes, however saw right through me. The pages of me flew wide open, just waiting for her to read them. My face became hot, my vision hazy. I couldn't stand it, just the thought of showing such weakness now.

"Get out!" I shouted hysterically, tears already beginning to stream down my face. "Leave me alone!" Cass looked hurt, more shocked at my outburst, but hurt none the less. She glanced at Mother, then quickly exited through my bedroom door. My mom stood there, horrified.

"Honey, it's ok, it's Cass," she said, resting her hand upon my shoulder. I shrugged her off, not in the mood to have someone sympathize me because of my situation.

The first thing my mother said to me when I got out of rehab was, "Are you fixed?" I took it for it's worth, she only cared that I'd be back to normal. She only cared that she'd be able to continue in her baking for the cheerleading squad, coming to all the games, and in her lackluster life. That was one reason why I loved Rogerson. He lived a life completely opposite from what my mother, and my family, lived. Only Cass had been able to break that, I temporarily did, but was sucked back in. I still, occasionally, wished in that time with Rogerson for a simple date. But that was out of the question with him; it was only a few times when I wished for simple things, though. There was a knock on the door, and then came in Dad.

"You know Cass came all the way from New York to be here," he said, trying to guilt me, "she even brought Adam." I stared at him. Did he honestly think that it was such a big deal that she brought her boyfriend with her home. It was the perfect way to do it. Everyone would be so wrapped up in me, they'd certainly overlook the fact that you up and left for this guy. I nodded, it was better to get it over with now rather than have Mom bugging me.

Cass reentered the room, taking a seat upon the edge of the bed.

"Hey," she said, nervously twirling the strings on her hoodie.

"Hey," I quietly replied.

"Um…look," she continued, hesitantly, "I'm sorry, about everything. Not just walking out, but not coming home when I first found out you were in rehab." I shook my head.

"You have a life outside of your little sister, it's fine."

"No it's not," she claimed, grabbing my hand, "I should've been there for you." I moved my hand quickly away from hers.

"No, it's ok, I handled it."

"Caitlin, no offence, but you ended up in an abusive relationship with a drug addiction. You weren't handling it."

"At least it's better than being stuck in that mold!" I shouted. "Yeah! You know what I'm talking about! Where everything seems so pointless, but then there's that one person who makes life worth it. And then he had to be taken away!"

"Caitlin, listen to yourself!" she revolted. "He beat you!"

"I don't care! I loved him!" We sat in silence for a moment, but then it seemed she'd found the right words to say.

"You know it wasn't your fault, don't you?" she asked, honestly concerned. At that moment, I didn't really have an answer for her. Rogerson was the only one who ever made me feel alive. I could still feel his touch upon my skin even then. That rush of pleasure, of danger, of excitement. Even when he would hurt me, I still adored him. I would see scars and think of how he had touched my life, in all different ways.

"Of course not." I was completely truthful in my answer. I had been told a million times that it was _his_ fault, and that _he_ was the one who betrayed me. I couldn't agree with these accusations towards him. I knew it wasn't his fault, I was completely certain; I just wasn't certain that it wasn't mine.


	2. Where Fault Lies

"Alright," she said, apparently satisfied. "I just wish that you had come to me, I would've been there for you, you know? I thought that we were tight, but who could blame you? If I were you I wouldn't want to talk to me either."

"It's alright," I butted in. "I'm happy for you. You really went out and did what you wanted from your life."

"So did you," she said, almost as though she thought I hadn't realized the magnitude of my actions.

"Yeah," I answered. "but your version turned out a whole lot better."

"I still can't grasp it," Cass said, now gripping tightly to the sheets on my bed. "I just can't believe that he could….that he could beat you." Her emotion would have been touching, if I was feeling at that point. I technically wasn't, though.

All that was running through my mind was, "I can believe that he beat me, and I know why."

"How could anyone do something like that to another human being?" she continued.

Again, I thought, "Easily. You make them mad, and you get beat. That's about all there is to it." She was clearly becoming aware of my uncomfortable silence as she finally came to a stop. We sat for a while, just sitting. Cass studying me, as if there was something she was looking for. Her gaze stung; not physically, but emotionally. To know that your sister was searching you for love's permanent marks.

"So…" I said, breaking the silence. "you brought Adam." A big grin spread across her face.

"Yeah, I did," she said giddily. "do you wanna meet him?" I had watched him so many times on that reality TV show that I felt as though I almost already knew him. I nodded hesitantly.

"Alright, I'll wait for you to get changed." She left the room, closing the door. There I was alone in my thoughts again, the silence was like that after Rogerson had just hit me. It was in these times, that I really began to feel those wounds that he'd given me. The ones that would never go away. I walked up to the mirror, seeing a reflection, that I was quite unhappy with. Most of the black and blues had gone away, but some had left permanent scars. My eyes seemed tired, as though all the life had been sucked out of them, and my lips were left hanging; longing for a kiss. I went to my closet to select my outfit. My wardrobe hadn't changed. I still wore the baggy clothes that hid my figure, just as I had with Rogerson. I took a pair of jeans and a t-shirt out of the drawers, laying them on the bed. I was no longer comfortable in just a t-shirt anymore. There was always, always a jacket on top of it. It didn't really matter the "psychological" reason for it, I just felt most comfortable wearing Rogerson's jacket. No other jacket really fit me like his did; it just felt right. The psychiatrist at rehab said that I was holding on to the jacket because I didn't want to let go of Rogerson. The whole idea of it was completely ridiculous to me, so I never listened to her when she said to "let it go"; which ultimately meant, throwing it away. I threw his jacket overtop of my t-shirt, and headed to the kitchen for breakfast. As I entered, there stood Mom, Dad, Cass, and Adam. Mom and Dad were used to this jacket. At first, they freaked out, but now they realized it wasn't emotional attachment, just a comfort thing. Cass, however, saw the jacket's school name and flared.

"How dare you wear that jacket after what he did to you!" she screamed, Adam reaching out to grab her away from swinging at me. Those months on the show must have caused her to emulate some of those characteristics. "He beat you, and he could've killed you!" I started walking towards the door, not willing to stay in a conversation where nothing I said mattered. "You know he would've! If our neighbor hadn't stopped him when she did, you would've died! You understand that don't you!" Adam's grip slipped and Cass was able to prevent me from getting to the door. "You're an idiot, you know that! He would've killed you and you still care about him as though nothing happened!"


	3. Out Of Mind

"**That's enough**!" Dad shouted, cutting Cass off. "That's quite enough." Mom was cowering beneath the rage of Cass and Dad, both hotheaded and unwilling to give in. "Cass, if you're going to spend your time here like this, then I must ask you to leave." I felt bad for Adam, stuck in our family drama. He had no idea what the jacket meant, but by his facial expression, I could tell he had figured it out.

"Dad," Cass argued. "You can't honestly let her wear this."

"It had no sentimental value to her," he answered.

"You think that!"

"Yes, I do." he finished. Cass was silent for a moment. Adam was lost in the confusion and Mom was still horrified.

Cass surrendered saying, "Alright then." She grabbed a coffee mug, filled it, and handed it to Adam. The next few minutes were an awkward silence, neither side wanting to start conversation.

"I'm going out," I said randomly.

"Where?" Mom asked, butting into my business as always.

"To Rina's," I answered. I frankly had no clue where I was going; all I knew is that I wanted out of this house. I wasn't the one who belonged in there, it was a reflection of Mom who belonged. They consented to my going, as long as Cass and Adam could drop me off.

The car ride there was pretty much Adam and Cass talking. Just about what they'd do once I was gone, it was like I wasn't even there. The car finally stopped in the driveway, engine humming, waiting for me to get out.

"Bye," I said unemotionally. Both replied, and when I walked into the house, they drove away.

"Hey Caitlin! Didn't expect you here!" Rina shouted from the top of the staircase. She rushed down them to come greet me. "How are things at home?"

"Crappy. Cass is here," I answered. "She's really freaking out about the jacket."

"Don't be upset about it," Rina said, reassuring me. "I freaked out at first, too. It's just something that takes getting used to, you know?" I nodded, but I really didn't understand. Was it not so simple for everyone else? Everyone who knew would always say how they couldn't imagine a human being doing something like that, that it was evil. None of them knew how loving and caring he really was to me. None of the knew, nor did they care. "Cate, you there?" Rina questioned. I didn't have an answer, it was like I was there, but I was watching everything around me happen; these days weren't my own, they all belonged to haunting memories. The ones that wouldn't let go.

"Uh…yeah," I said, snapping out of my daze. "I'm here."

"So, did I tell you about this new guy I'm seeing?" she asked.

"Nope," I answered. I had actually heard about him every single time we'd talked since she met him, but hey, she let me diss her for Rogerson. Rina was certain that this new guy, Aaron, was different from any guy she'd ever met. She even went as far as to say that he might be "the one". Apparently, he was the closest thing to perfect that she'd ever seen. I had my doubts about this guy. He had all the right words to say, as if he were reading them right off of a script.

"His name is Aaron and he's amazing!" she started. I knew that whole rant was on its way. "He's such a gentleman, he's sweet, he's kind, and he's a good kisser." I looked interested, as if he were a guy I would date; when in all sincerity, the only guy I wanted was Rogerson. She went on for half an hour before getting a phone call. "It's him!" she squealed, picking up the phone. "Oh, alright, do you mind if I bring a friend along?….Oh good! That'll be really good for her, she just got out of a really serious relationship…..Alright, talk to you there…….I love you too. Bye."

"What is it?" I asked even though I already knew the answer.

"We're going out to dinner with Aaron and a friend of his!" Seeing my unresponsive reaction, she inquired, "What's wrong?"

"I don't think I should go."

"Come on, it's just dinner."

"I don't think I'm ready for what you're going to drag me in to."

"Aaron's just bringing a friend of his along, don't worry, no pressure."

"Sure…" I said, already aware that the whole time she and Aaron would be making out.


	4. Reinventing Your Exit

When we arrived at the restaurant, Aaron and his friend were waiting outside for us.

"Hey, Rina, this is Trevor," Aaron said, pointing to his friend

"This is Caitlin," she answered, pointing to me. After greetings we went into the restaurant and got a booth in the very back corner. That was always a sign that there was going to be nonstop making out that night. We were situated with Trevor sat across from me, and Rina was on Aaron's lap.

"Hey, nice to meet you." Trevor said, reaching out his hand. I shuttered. The image of Rogerson reaching out to strike me played in my head. I immediately withdrew what little of my hand was out.

"Hey," I replied shyly.

"You know it's really great to meet someone new, you know? I went through this horrible break up, and I heard that you went through a bad one, too. I'm wondering if that's good or bad." Trevor laughed so loudly that the whole restaurant was soon staring at us. Among those eyes were a pair that I couldn't stop looking at. The pure green of them soon turned black, the one picture I had never taken. The eyes moved closer and closer, I completely froze up. Then, there they were, right beside me.

"What're you doing with my girl?" the guy asked.

"Hey, she's mine now." Trevor answered.

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah, who are you?"

"I'm Rogerson, her boyfriend." he responded.

"Oh, you mean her ex." Trevor boasted.

"You wanna take this outside?" Rogerson inquired, now enraged. There was nothing I could do, I was just sitting there, bracing myself for the sting. Then it hit. Trevor had thrown the first punch, and Rogerson reacted. My mind soon came back to reality, and I was hysteric.

"Rogerson stop!" I shouted repeatedly. After Trevor was no longer a threat to him, his angry eyes turned on me. Aaron stepped in.

"You may have beaten Trevor, but you're not gonna beat me." Aaron probably would've lost anyway, but Rina refused to let him fight saying that he needed to aid Trevor. While they worried for Trevor, Rogerson dragged me out into the parking lot and threw me to the ground.

"**What makes you think you can date again?"** he screamed, punching my across the face. "**What makes you think that you're free? You belong to me!**" He threw more punches, then lifted me up and slammed me into a car. I was defenseless, no matter how much they had taught me in rehab, I couldn't hurt him. He continued in his beating, making sure that this time I died. He was ready to end my life, grabbing my throat and beginning to choke me; my vision went black.


	5. Excuse Me

"Caitlin, are you ok?" a familiar voice asked me. As I regained consciousness I realized that it was Dave, and I was still in the restaurant parking lot.

"How long have I been out?" I inquired.

"About five minutes. Please excuse Rogerson's behavior, he's just upset that you're with another guy when you two never officially broke up." Dave begged.

"He…..he almost killed me…" I answered in shock.

"I know, but he's just jealous, it's a love crime thing. He's really sorry for it, just look." I sat up to see Rogerson's green eyes staring into mine, I remember this look. The look of shock and utter despair.

"Hey," I said. "it's been a while." Even though I should've hated the sight of him, my heart wanted to give way into his arms and become alive again. At that point, I didn't care that he'd tried to kill me; none of that mattered.

"Yeah," he replied. "I see you're still wearing my jacket." I nodded. "I'm sorry. Let me drive you home."

"No," Rina interrupted. "she's staying at my house tonight." I almost didn't comply with her statement. Rogerson's eyes staring at me were so compelling, I thought I'd do anything he said. "Alright, let's go Caitlin." Rina grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me toward her car.

"Bye," Rogerson called for the car that he'd thrown me in to.

"Bye," I shouted back, unaware of the rage that would overtake Rina. She flipped out.

"Are you crazy!" she shouted. "You know this isn't a guy to be talking to! Just look at what he did to you tonight!" Rina held out a small, plastic mirror; I took it. My face was beginning to swell, and my shoulders were already black and blue. I wasn't completely shocked, worse had happened to me before.

"So, what are you gonna do about it?" I asked her.

"Tell your parents, of course. What are you gonna do?"

"Tell them you and I had a pillow fight and I ran in to the wall." I was doing it again. I don't know why, but I was doing it again. Protecting Rogerson, even though he was certain to kill me.

"No one gets that hurt running in to a wall." she protested. She was right, but excuses kept running through my mind. I couldn't let them find out it was Rogerson, this time his parents might not be able to get him off with community service.

"I don't know….I'll think of something!" I protested. I knew no excuse would be adequate, but none of that mattered. I just had to protect him.

"I just don't understand you, why would you want to lie about something like this?" Rina asked. She frankly didn't get it. This was the one man who made me feel…anything. I thought she, of all people, would understand how that _one_ special guy changed everything for you. But she didn't understand, too many guys had "touched" her.

"If they find out that while I was out with my friend I got abused, they'll never let me go anywhere again." That answer was partly true. They would be afraid, but it wasn't the real reason why I protected him.

"Alright," she agreed. "I'll help you make up some lame excuse…but only this _one_ time. Next time, we tell." I nodded in agreement, knowing she wouldn't hold to it next time. She'd easily break, just like this time.

"Well you really did yourself in this time," Dad said, examining my wounds.

"I know," I replied, looking down. "I just didn't see the steps and then it happened."

"I still don't get how you got your face like this," He gently touched my cheek.

"I told you Dad, I flipped myself over in attempt to stop myself but ended up landing on my face. He sighed.

"Alright, no more pillow fights," he concluded.


	6. The Last Night

Maybe it was just my own experience, or that of others, that told me that no matter what anyone said, I wouldn't be alright. Ever. I would never get over this, no matter how hard I tried, I would never be the girl who hadn't a care in the world ever again. I missed Rogerson. I knew I shouldn't have thought about it as often as I did, but I missed him. I didn't need the drugs. I didn't need anyone but him. But of course, the one thing we need in life is the one we can't have.

"Rogerson?"

"Yeah, Cate, it's me." My heart started beating faster the moment I heard his voice that Sunday afternoon when he called my cell phone.

"Hi." I couldn't think of anything decent to say.

"Hi..." I suppose he couldn't either. "Um...Yeah, I'm sorry about the other night."

"No, it was completely my fault. I should've known that we were officially broken up. It's just that Rina thought that I'd been in the house for long enough. Gosh, she can screw things up_ so _badly sometimes." He laughed.

"Look, it's alright. I'm not sure that your new boyfriend would agree though." This was good. We were talking like we had before his eyes turned back. In those times when all we needed was to be together. There was a pause. "Do you still have my picture?"

"Yeah," I replied quickly. "The photo teacher liked it." I could feel his tenseness without even trying. "She doesn't know." He let out a deep sigh.

"What did your dad think about your neck?" Rogerson asked.

"Uh...He sort of doesn't know," I explained. He laughed again. I couldn't believe that I'd gone for so long without him.

"I figured that much, or he wouldn't let you have your cellphone."

"How'd you find my number?"

"I've got connections." I could see that smirk of his forming as he said those words.

"The same connections that kept you out of jail." I could almost see his eyes turning black.

"Yeah," His voice didn't sound like they did when he was dark. "Hey, you wanna meet up? Start all over again?"

"I'd like that." He was different. I could feel it.


	7. Rebirthing

"Please don't do this to me," I begged myself as I stared into the abyss before me. A watery abyss that seemed endless at best. I could feel myself suffocating under the pressure upon my stomach. "Come on, don't do this." My throat burned, I couldn't breath. I closed my eyes to fight the pain that contained my lungs. When I opened my eyes, the sea was filled with an assortment of colors, each one filling a part of the water. "Shoot." Taking a piece of toilet paper, I wiped the remains from my lips and tossed it into the sea. A lifeboat with a leak that would eventually lead to its sinking.

I hadn't meant for things to be this way. My first date with Rogerson after all that had happened, and I was barfing my guts out. I felt my face flush with embarassment as I walked out of the public restrooms at the movies. There he was, polietly waiting for me. His eyes were green. Without meaning to, I let out a large sigh of relief. He was Rogerson. My Rogerson.

"You alright?" he asked, head tilting slightly to the side. I was too afraid before to notice that his appearance had changed. He still had that dangerous edge, the one I'd always been attracted to, but it was more subtle now. He no longer had his dreds, but it was shorter. Sort of like a buzz cut. Unthinking, I reached up to touch it. To feel what his new hair was like. Realizing what I was doing, I quickly withdrew, waiting for the clouds to come upon his eyes. Instead, he took my hand and put it back on top of his head.

"It's ok," he insisted. "I cut it all off because I wanted to forget that I..." He paused as if searching for a certain word.

"Beat me," I finished. I stared at the ground, trying to avoid the gaze that I was certain was there.

"Yeah," he replied. "But after cutting it, I realized that it didn't do me any good to forget what I did. I have to remember, so that I can make it up to you." He was smiling at me, I could feel the warmth. I looked up to see his bright green eyes looking into mine. I felt my own walls of ice towards him melt away.

"I know he was different," I told myself. "I knew it." But this didn't stop my mind from wondering how long it would take until the little darkness within his eye would spread.


	8. Live Like We're Alive

"So Adam, meet Caitlin." Cass introduced. He stuck out his hand, waiting for mine. I stuck my hand out slowly, almost expecting him to withdraw his. He had a firm grip. Almost as firm as the one Rogerson had. My bruises were starting to fade, but I could feel Cass' suspicion on me like a shadow.

"So…" Adam began, unsure of what to say. "Do you like to watch TV?" Obviously, he had a lot to learn about girls.

"Um…" I started, trying to think of an excuse. "I promised Rina that I'd be over at her house by 2 to help her with homework. I'll be back for dinner. Then we can catch up, alright?" Cass and Adam nodded simultaneously, almost as though expecting me to say something like that. Mom and Dad had been gone all day, and had left me the car for the use of going to Rina's. "Bye."

Of course, as all girls do when given a car and they're not being monitored, they do exactly what they're told not to do. That's why I took the opportunity to see Rogerson.

"Hey," he said as he answered his front door. "Come on in." His room hadn't changed a bit. None of it. I could remember every touch he'd ever given me in this house. It send shivers down my spine.

"You alright?" he asked, taking my hand gently. I nodded, not wanting to explain the reason for my shivering. "You know," he continued. "Every time I come into this room, I think about what happened." I nodded in agreement. "It makes me wonder what type of guy I was, you know?" Again, I nodded. "Do you wanna go for a drive?" I stared into his eyes, so ready to forgive and forget the past, and I couldn't refuse.

"Alright, let's go."

When we got out to the car, I started shaking uncontrollably. That feeling in the pit of my stomach returned, and I collapsed on his front lawn. Gasping for breath, I could hear Rogerson begging me to tell him what was wrong. Asking me if I was alright. Then it happened.

"Tell me, Caitlin!" he shouted, and I could feel a sharp sting on my face, but the pains didn't stop. A pain on the other cheek, but I still couldn't breath. Everything was fading into dark. The lawn. Rogerson. Me.


	9. Waiting

Apparently I came to a few minutes later, laying in puke.

"Caitlin, are you alright?" he asked, his eyes were completely green. "I tried to keep you awake, I thought that you were dieing on me." I took a quick look at his car, the pain returning.

"Let's not go for a drive," I suggested. He nodded.

"Well, I've got some business to take care of, but you can hang out here until you're ready to go home." For a moment I just sat there, connecting the pieces of the puzzle. He was almost at the passenger door when I finally got the courage to ask him.

"Still dealing drugs?" He turned toward me, eyes widened. Still green, but widened.

"You know me better than anyone." he admitted.

"Some things never changed," I concluded. He laughed, obviously finding it more funny than I did.

"You want some?" he asked, taking my present stating.

"No. I'm not like that anymore." I replied.

"Not like me, you mean?"

"Let's be honest, Rogerson. I was never like you."

"You're right about that," His laugh filled the air again. "That's what I liked about you. Like about you."

"Well, that makes two of us." He nodded, a smirk upon his face.

"We'll have to hang out again. When you're feeling better, that is. Give me a call, ok?" I nodded.

"One condition." He stared at me, waiting for my decree. "Don't bring your car." He nodded, saluted, and was gone into his car in the next five seconds. A few minutes later, I got into my car and beheld a sight I was far too used to. My cheeks were bright pink. Rogerson and I were officially back on.

Sorry for the short chapter, but Chapter 10 will be up soon!


	10. Everything You Ever Wanted

Upon returning home, I found Mom, Dad, Cass, and Adam sitting around the table. It seemed to be an intense conversation that abruptly stopped the moment I entered the room.

"Caitlin," Mom greeted, sounding too happy for the expression on her face. "We have something that we want to talk to you about." I nodded my head, completely horrified at the thought that they might've known that Rogerson and I were seeing each other again.

"Well," Dad began, putting on his "serious" face. "It's about Rogerson." I took a seat next to Mom, grabbing at my jeans. "He's not in jail." I forced myself to make my eyes widened in "shock."

"Oh, honey," Mom wailed, putting her arms around me. Cass' eyes were glued to mine, although I wasn't sure what message she was trying to send me.

"There was nothing we could really do," Dad insisted. "When someone has that much power and influence, they'd have to commit a murder to be kept in jail."

"He practically did murder her," Cass cut in, gripping firmly to Adam's hand.

"But he didn't," I stated, noting that it wasn't perfect timing. They all stared at me for a moment, wondering what I meant. "I mean, I'm still here, aren't I?"

"Yeah, but if he'd kicked you again, you probably wouldn't be," Cass countered. I tried to suppress the glare that I wanted to send her, but was unable to. It's not like she was there. It's not like she felt every blow. It's not as though she were there to watch me scream as the police came to take Rogerson away. Without another word, I got up and walked to my room, feeling their eyes on me. Once locked inside, I took another look in the mirror, I'd been so close to crying. I hated Cass trying to pretend like she knew what I'd been through. She didn't. She never would, and I hated that she _wanted_ to understand. To feel what it feels like to be kicked to the point where you can no longer feel you legs. To be punched so many times that you're unable to breath. How could you want that? Why did Cass want that?


	11. Falling Inside The Black

"Caitlin, what's gotten into you?" Mom asked when she'd barged into my room minutes later. "Cass is finally home and you just have to go making things difficult. She just wants to discuss the whole Rogerson situation."

"If she wanted to discuss it, she should've come home when it happened." I insisted, pushing myself back into the corner of my bed, that sat up against the wall.

"Honey, we all know that she could've come sooner, but she's here now. And that's all that matters, right?" I shook my head.

"No, Mom. That's not "all that matters." If she wanted to talk about it, she should've been here when you guys finally found out."

"It's a mystery that even I still think about," Mom reasoned. "I mean, how could-"

"Mom, let's not," I suggested, taking a pillow and squeezing it tightly. "I've had this conversation with Cass more times than I'd like. Can't we just settle back into the way things were?"

"Yes," she stammered, obviously shocked that I wasn't willing to be open about my experiences. "Yes, I suppose that's best." In that moment, I realized she'd shrunken back into her feeble state. The one where she was so small, fragile, as though I could break her. After a few minutes of awkward silence, she left me in peace. There was only one person that I could talk to. Boo.


	12. Mouth Like A Magazine

"Caitlin, people are never going to be what you want them to be. So you might as well stop hoping for it." Boo reasoned, fighting a battle that had little to do with our conversation.

"But it's not about them being what I want them to be, it's them saying what they are and not living up to it." I countered.

"Do you live up to your own expectations?"

"I live up to the ones that I give others to make me live by." She nodded, tending to a few plants as we walked through her house.

"And you don't think that they're trying their best to do the same?"

"Boo, Cass is trying to pretend like she's been here with me through this entire…thing. And she hasn't."

"Sometimes people do that out of guilt. Like a way of making up for not being there."

"Maybe, but it's bugging the crap out of me." Boo let out a laugh, bringing a slight smile to my face.

"It usually does at first, then you either face the conflict or learn to live with it." I nodded, although I had a feeling that in my house, no conflict would ever be confronted.

"So what do I do until then?" I questioned. She stood thinking for a moment.

"Live your life." I shook my head, not the response I'd been hoping for, but I'd take what I can get.

"And what life do I have?"

"That's up for you to decide, isn't it?"

"It used to be," She nodded, as though she knew what I were talking about. But she didn't. She was all about women empowerment, of course she didn't know what it was like to be abused. And I didn't want her to. I didn't want anyone to have to know what it was like. Your throat within their hand, losing focus. Losing air. Begging for forgiveness. Begging them to love you, despite the fists coming towards your face. No one should have to know that type of pain.


	13. The Valley Song

I had to call Rogerson. To tell him that I couldn't be with him ever again. The guy who said "they always come back to the abuser" knew more than he could've imagined. But I wasn't going down that road again. He'd already hit me, and we weren't even dating. I wasn't willing to put anyone through that again. I wouldn't let Cass witness first hand what Rogerson could do. I wasn't even sure how long she and Adam were staying, but even the thought of her seeing any bit of it scared me.

"I'll see you later, Caitlin, alright?" Boo asked as I walked back towards my house, to Cass.

"Yeah!" I called, not looking back. When I came back into the house, everyone was in the same positions I'd left them in. Noticing the awful tension, Mom tried to fill the silence.

"Caitlin, why don't you go get those presents we have for Cass and Adam in the closet?" I nodded without reply, making my way towards the hallway. Upon opening the closet, I found the usual clutter, and after some digging, found three colorfully wrapped boxes. When I brought them out, Cass' face lit up.

"Oh, Mom! You shouldn't have!" I quickly handed two gifts to Cass, and the third to Adam.

"You're right," I thought to myself. "She definitely shouldn't have." Adam seemed hesitant to open his gift, but Cass insisted he go first. Once the wrapping was removed, it revealed an "I Love NY" ornament. He smiled uncomfortably, obviously used to getting some Lamont Whipper Show ornaments, which probably included two fat women trying to pull each others hair out. Or maybe it was a two women and a guy standing between them trying to keep them from beating the crap out of each other. Sensing his tension, she began to open her gifts. The first box revealed a sweater, a pretty blue, that Cass held up to herself, asking if it looked good on her. The second box contained a "How To Cook on $100 A Week" cookbook, which Cass laughed at. She was obviously making more than that, and she had Adam's income to fall back on. Once the gifts were put away, the table was empty, as was the conversation. Seeing this, I got up, going straight for my room, for my phone. I had to call Rogerson that very day, or I'd never work up the courage to at all.


	14. The Way I Feel

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

"Caitlin?"

"The one and only."

"Hey, how are you?"

"Um…I'm alright, how about you?"

"Fine." This was the most awkward conversation I'd ever had with Rogerson. He never really was the talking type, but this was beyond odd. "So…um…Do you wanna hang out?"

"No, I mean…I can't." I could hear him let out a sigh on his end.

"Did your parents find out that we're talking?"

"No, no," I insisted, beginning to panic just a little bit. "It's just that I don't think it's what's best for me, you know? After all that's happened, and then it happened the other day-"

"Caitlin, I thought that you were about to die. What was I supposed to do?" he questioned.

"Shake me, certainly not smack me across the face."

"Look, it was instinct. You'd do the same if you thought-"

"No, I wouldn't and you know it. After what you've done to me, I never want to hit another person. Ever. Rogerson, you didn't even hit me for good reason, you just hit me because you could."

"Cate, I've been going to therapy, and the guy says that the reason I hit you to begin with was because my dad hit me, and I was just trying to feel like I had control. Like I had power."

"And what was I, Rogerson? Just some doll that you could smack around."

"No, I didn't realize-"

"No! You didn't! You didn't care that you hit me, smacked me, could've killed me! You didn't care! How am I ever supposed to get over that?"

"I'm not asking you to forgive me-"

"Good. Because I never will." He took a deep breath, becoming irritated.

"All I'm asking is that you don't pass that good thing we had over become of a few slip ups."

"Good thing? You **beat **me! And it wasn't just a "slip up!" It was you deciding that it was alright to smack me. That it was alright to rough me up."

"Caitlin-"

"I was wrong. I'm not ready to talk to you." I wanted to hang up. I desperately needed to hang up. It was the only way I'd ever be able to get over it. But like all my "should turned back there" moments, I didn't.

"You're wrong. I think you are. I know you are." And that was all it took to persuade me.


	15. Don't Waste Your Time

The next morning, I took my spot at the breakfast table as I always did, finding Cass sitting next to me.

"Have a good night?" she asked me sarcastically, taking a bowl out for me.

"Yeah. Why?" My body tensed, waiting for a reply. Had she heard me on the phone with Rogerson. I knew I'd be loud when I shouted at him, but I thought that the music I had on would've been enough to drown me out.

"You were just cooped up in your room for a while, that's all," she explained. I shrugged in reply. As long as she hadn't found out about the phone call, I was alright. "So, have any plans today?" I shook my head. "No." I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere unless it was to Rina's house anyway. I'd only been lucky enough to sneak to Rogerson's that one time. It wasn't something I could do often with my probation when just getting home from rehab. "Then why don't we hang out: have some quality sister time?" I honestly couldn't believe my ears. Cass actually wanted to hang out with me instead of Adam? "Adam had to go back to work this morning," My happiness faded. "But I have a day or two more to spend here with you guys."

"Okay" was all I could manage to say. I decided to skip the breakfast, and go straight for a run. I'd always said that when I got out of rehab, I'd run. Of course, I hadn't done it, but I decided now was as good a time as any. Cass wanted to spend time with me, that was an excuse to run. I put on sneakers, told her I'd be back in an hour, and took out the house in a light jog. As I made my way through the development, a car passed by me blaring some form of techno music. The type of stuff Rogerson forced me to listen to. When I looked in the car, there was a couple smiling as the guy seemed intent upon the music while the girl showed her obvious disgust. It seemed like the perfect situation. Honesty. A couple that I wanted to be part of. One that I wanted Rogerson and I to be.

"But Rogerson and I can never be that," I reminded myself. "We have too much history. Crap that can't be erased." As if one happy couple wasn't bad enough, I passed by another couple running. The guy was extremely attractive, but trying extremely hard to keep up with the girl. She slowed her pace slightly, saying something that made both of them laugh. This was what I wanted for me. But I could never have that with Rogerson. With anyone, really. Not after all that I'd been through. That type of relationship was impossible. And though I know Cass would've hated me for this, I thought it was better to be beaten than to be alone.


	16. Captiva

The couple running slowed down, making it obvious that they wanted me to run with them. I obliged, making sure that they could only see one side of my face. I felt that if they could see where Rogerson had hit me, they'd know what he'd done.

"Hey," the guy called out as I got closer to them.

"Hi," I replied sheepishly. Soon, I was jogging by their side.

"I'm Wes, and this is Macy," he introduced.

"Caitlin."

"What guys you out here running?" Macy asked. "In jeans?"

"More of an impulse run," I explained, Macy nodded her head.

"I've had those," she sympathized.

"Yeah, I thought, but probably not like mine. Probably not because you were running away from your sister who'd screwed up but still had her life more together than yours," I thought.

"So, how far do you plan on running?" Wes asked. My mind wasn't on the conversation though, it was more on the road, as though expecting Rogerson to be on it, see me with them, and come to get me again.

"Uh…not far." It was a lame answer, but it was all I could think of giving. "Um…no offence or anything, but why _are_ you talking to me?" I hadn't meant to be rude, just blunt. It seemed odd that these two would randomly talk to me.

"I've seen you around school," Macy explained. "You used to cheerlead, right?" I nodded. "From what I heard, you were pretty good. Why'd you stop?"

"Just not that into it," I shrugged my shoulders as I said this, hoping it sounded sincere. Wes shrugged his in response.

"Doing anything instead?" Wes asked, honestly curious (or so I thought).

"Um…not really."

"Oh!" Macy's face fell into a moment of shock, then pity. "That's right, you left school for a while because of…" I waited for her to finish, there were quite a few things that she could've meant. My drug problem, my abusive boyfriend, my psychological issues because of my sister leaving.

"Of?" She seemed shocked that I'd questioned what she meant.

"The drug problem." I exhaled, so she didn't know what I really went for. Well, I technically did go for drugs, but more-so for the abusive boyfriend.

"There are more people who do drugs at school, not just me." I explained. Wes nodded.

"I met a lot of guys who'd done drugs in juvi." I must've looked shocked, because he continued. "I…just stupid stuff, you know?" I nodded. I'd done a lot of stupid stuff. Going out with Rogerson. Taking pot. Letting him hit me. Going back to him again. And yet, I didn't care. None of it seemed important. I'd wanted to have a relationship like the one in front of me, so perfect and pristine, but it wasn't happening. I'd already backed myself into a corner, now all I could do was curl up in it and pretend like nothing bad was happening.


	17. Forever

I ended up running with Macy and Wes much longer than I had intended to. In fact, they invited me to eat with them at some breakfast place that I'd never heard of. Having nothing better to do, I decided that it was worth staying away from my sister; away from what was real.

Macy and Wes talked as though they would never stop, going from one topic to another. They mentioned something about a catering service, but mostly I just listened to their happiness. I found myself become sickened by it, the surreal nature of it. They included me in the conversation, but I felt as though I were a stranger, simply watching.

They ran home with me, making me feel less alone, but still giving me a hollow feeling inside. When we reached my neighborhood, I spotted a car that I remembered all too well. I started hyperventilating, grabbing at my chest in attempts to rip it out. Macy immediately came to my side, trying to figure out what was wrong.

"Too much running," I managed to huff out. Macy and Wes exchanged glances, and we continued walking. Rogerson was walking towards us.

"It's alright guys," Rogerson assured them. "I've got her from here."

"You her neighbor?" Wes asked.

"Her boyfriend." My eyes shot up to Rogerson's eyes, noticing the jealous flare within them. Wes shrugged, oblivious to Rogerson's nature.

"Caitlin just came for a run with us," Macy explained. Rogerson glanced at me, knowing that I hated running.

"Well, I better get her home," Rogerson stated, taking me be the arm and somewhat dragging me towards his car. When I looked back, Macy and Wes were gone. My vision started fading again as we got closer. "Dang it, Caitlin!" he shouted. I felt a sting upon my face, his grip around my arm tightening. "Get up! Get up!" Suddenly, my breath was leaving me, I was falling, everything was becoming dark. Then the pressure released, I was free, I was slightly breathing. When I fluttered my eyes open, Wes was sitting beside me.

"You had me worried," he commented, lifting me up slowly. I saw Rogerson had taken the car and gone. I shook my head, frustrated.

"Why did you have to do that?" I questioned angrily.

"He was beating you," Wes replied, seeing that as answer enough. But it wasn't. It would never be enough. Because he was beating me would never save me from going back to Rogerson. All it would do was make things worse.

"It was the first time," I lied, hoping that it helped. "He only did it to keep me awake."

"Caitlin, that's definitely not the way." I shook my head.

"It's just going to make it worse next time," I mumbled under my breath. It always got worse, and no one was going to save me. All the wanted to do was watch from an obscure view and then judge me. Everyone had to be a spectator of my life. "I have to go find him."

"Find him?" Wes questioned as though I were out of my mind. "He _beat_ you. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" I stood up, then looked Wes right in the eyes.

"It used to." I took off running, expecting to catch up to Rogerson, be beaten once, and then it would blow over. However, Wes had other plans in mind.

"No!" Wes shouted, tackling me. "I'm not going to let you get beaten!" I shoved him off of me, getting back up.

"Then why are you doing the same?" I snapped. Wes looked wide eyed.

"I'm doing this for you!" Wes shouted, almost convincing me. "He'll _kill_ you, Caitlin. Doesn't that matter to you? He's done it once, he'll do it again. And who's to say that next time it won't be worse?" I stood there, staring at this pitiful boy who had the perfect romance, who was trying to help me, and felt myself break. I didn't care if Rogerson only wanted me as a possession; something to beat, love, or kill. As long as I belonged to someone, it didn't matter.

"I've lived through hundreds of punches to the face, winds be torn out of me, bruises upon my skin. One more won't matter."


	18. Bittersweet

Wes and I stood there staring at each other for a while before Macy came running down the road and questioned what was going on. Wes explained to her that Rogerson beat me. Not once, but a million times over. Macy looked horrified, just like my mother had. Just like my father had. All the faces as they saw my withering body came to mind. I shrugged my shoulders, then turned to walk home.

"Wait!" Macy called after me. I stopped, wanting to show her some kindness for the run. "Please, don't let him do this to you." I'd heard the speeches before. The therapist knew that I'd loved him. That was the reason for all of this. Because I loved him, I would let him hurt me. Because I loved him, I would let him do anything. I looked at Macy in her ignorant bliss and realized that I had always wanted the bliss, but the ignorance was too much to bare. People never realized that love tore you to pieces.

I didn't want to flat out lie to her, but I couldn't tell her what I'd told Wes. Wes was a guy, he had fists that could take the breath of life away. Macy was so innocent, yet to be touched by those weapons.

"Everything will be ok," I assured her, though I didn't believe it myself. She smiled slightly, then looked at Wes, who was unmoving.

"I'll check in with you soon," she told me, then ran back to Wes. I nodded to myself. It would be good to have someone who cared about my mental and physical state every once in a while. Wes walked away hesitantly, looking back at me every few moments. He probably wondered how I managed to live with myself. In all honesty, I wondered, too.

When I got home, Cass and Mom were at the kitchen table laughing about something or other that stopped immediately when I got in.

"Caitlin, what happened to your face?" Mom questioned, getting up and immediately cupping my face within her hands. My cheek stung at her touch, but I shrugged in response.

"Rina and I…It was nothing." Mom looked shocked.

"Rina did this to you?" I shook my head.

"These girls just decided to hate us randomly and-"

"Mom, there's a car out by our driveway," Cass stated, looking out the window. I could hear his engine running. Rogerson was waiting. Mom looked out the window and let a loud gasp. When she looked back to me, she immediately connected it.

"What's he doing here?" she shouted at me, getting my face. "What makes him think that it's alright to come here?"

"Mom, I went for a run with some friends, and then he was on the outside of our neighborhood when I came back," I explained.

"Why did you lie to me about it?" she screamed, tears running down her face. Cass shook her head angrily.

"I told you, Mom!' Cass yelled. "She's still attached to him!" Cass lifted her hand, looking as though she would smack me. Mom's eyes widened at Cass.

"Is this what they teach you on that show?"

"Mom, it's Caitlin-"

"Never raise your hand at anyone!" Mom shouted at Cass. Cass retreated into her seat. Mom went into her bedroom and returned with a gun.

"Mom, what are you doing?" I asked. Mom looked at me sympathetically.

"I know that you loved him, but you have to let go."

"Don't kill him!" I shouted, trying to keep her from leaving the house.


	19. In Regards To Myself

"I'm not going to kill him," Mom assured you. "I'm just scaring him off. He's never going to hurt you again." Next I knew, she was approaching his car, and he was getting out, hands up.

"I just want to talk to Caitlin," he pleaded. Mom shook her head.

"You're supposed to stay away," Mom argued. "Stay away. Your dad might have been able to keep you out of jail, but he can't save you from a gun shot." I felt my heart drop. Rogerson nodded his head.

"Alright, I'll leave." He turned started pulling away, but never took his eyes off of me. I'd pay for this later. Once we were certain that he was gone, Mom grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me into the house.

"Are you an idiot?" she questioned me, her voice raised so much so that I could hear Boo's door opening and closing, on her way over.

"Mom, it's not my fault that he came back!" I shouted. Mom shook her head.

"But you didn't tell me the truth! What if he'd come back again? Would you still tell me that Rina did it to you?" The yelling made my head ache to the point where I couldn't sit any longer. I got up and made my way to the door. "No, young lady! You're grounded!" I turned back to Mom, and Cass still cowering in her chair.

"I don't live here anymore," I stated, then left the house without a second's thought. Mom didn't come out to stop me. Neither did Cass. No one was going to stop me. No one _wanted_ to stop me.

I got my car keys out of my pocket and got into the car. Going to Rina's wasn't an option, she'd react just like Mom and Cass had; so I just drove around for a while until I came to a park that had hands holding a heart within them. I got out of the car and found myself sitting on the bench, staring at the sculpture, when a hand was upon my shoulder. I looked up to find Rogerson there, his eyes green.

"What are you doing here?" he questioned, his tone sweet and gentle.

"I left the house," I informed him. He smiled brightly, and idea forming in his mind.

"You could stay with me," he suggested. I had no other choice. I had no where else to go.

"No, Caitlin!" a voice shouted. I turned to see Wes running towards us. When I looked back at Rogerson, his eyes were black.

"So you're been cheating on me!" Rogerson shouted, sending punches towards my face.

"No," I insisted. "You, Rogerson! I only love you!" Suddenly, the hitting stopped. He and Wes were in a brawl. I wasn't sure who looked more angry, Wes or Rogerson. Within a few moments though, Rogerson retreated, leaving Wes and I alone in the park.

"I'll come back for you, Caitlin!" Rogerson promised. "I always do!" My heart sank as I looked at Wes, bloodied and bruised.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, hanging my head in shame. Wes sat down on the bench beside me, then lifted my chin gently with his hand.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Wes insisted, then turned my face to different angles. "Looks like he got you pretty good. You'll be feeling that for a few weeks." I smiled slightly, scoffing at myself. "Now how about I get you home?" I shook my head immediately.

"I can't go home," I told him. When he asked me why, I told him the story.

"Why did you lie to your mom?" he asked, trying to figure it out.

"I don't want to go back to rehab," I explained. "Ever. I don't want to be the girl I was." Wes shook his head.

"Caitlin, look at you. You're already becoming her. You almost went home with the man who abused you." I tried to shut out his words, ashamed that they were true. "You need him out of your life."

"I can't let go, Wes!" I shouted. "If he can't love me, no one can!" Wes was taken aback, then grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look him in the eye.

"Rogerson doesn't love you." Tears began streaming down my face. "He never did and he never will." I found myself crying into Wes' shoulder for a good twenty minutes before I was able to speak.

"So what do I do now?" I questioned.

"You're sure that your mom will send you back to rehab: drugs or not?" I nodded. "Then, I guess the only thing to do is to bring you home for tonight and figure out the rest in the morning." I asked if that was alright with him, and upon his insistence, we were on the way back to his house.

Half an hour later, we were at his house and he was spreading a sleeping bag over the couch.

"Are you sure that Macy will be ok with this?" I inquired, he stopped moving for a moment before replying.

"I have to call her, but she'll understand." In the next few moments, the most random things of my life transpired. Out of a room down the hallway pranced a young, teenage boy who smelled of something awful.

"Bert!" Apparently this creature's name. "I told you not to touch my cologne!"

"Hello," he greeted me, sticking out his hand. I could feel my nose crinkling up at the stench. I shook his hand and nodded in return. Wes came into the room a moment later and told Bert that he'd be ready to go in a minute.

"Bert's got this convention to go to," he explained. "I'll be back in a little while. There's TV and food in the kitchen if you want some. My aunt is next door if you need anything else."


End file.
